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My clothes aren't a statement. I simply use them
to cover my genitalia. It's a law you know.
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I'm planning on kicking the habit. I'm planning on slapping her,
too.
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Life is like a rollercoaster -- it has its ups and downs, but most of
the time it keeps you standing in line then breaks down just before
your turn to ride.
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I'm just now getting to know the back of my hand.
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Evolution made a creature just smart enough to think itself into misery. Or was that God's work?
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Until the bitter end, there will always be some jerk trying to make a buck
out of the whole thing.
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All those things I once liked are now tainted because you like them
too.
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Sara told me we are surrounded by angels. That angels, in reality,
are us. I couldn't help thinking that there sure are a shitload of
ugly ass angels.
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I can't seem to find people with problems like myself. And if I did
I sure as hell wouldn't want to hang out with them. Losers.
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Speak softly and carry a Slinky.
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Your doggy knows something you don't know:
The vacuum is going to get you and the mailman is evil.
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Many times I can't think of anything to write, but I do anyway.
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Just to let you girls know- I have the only normal looking penis in
existence.
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I'm a simple man- easy to make happy. All I need is a good couch to
rest upon. Oh yeah, and a stick of butter.
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I sprayed myself with Lysol after I had you. It burned, but I
believe it was worth it.
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You say tomato, I say quit correcting me all the time you fucking bitch.
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I'm wanted by the law, but at least I'm wanted.
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I have two modes: I am either scratching my balls or wishing I could be
scratching my balls.
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Accept people for what they are, dick nose.
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You have to look into hundreds of windows before you get to see a naked
woman and most of the time she turns out to be ugly anyway.
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I'm just sickened by the things that turn me on.
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Some days you have to make a fool of yourself just to break the monotony.
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Give me liberty or give me TV so I won't give a shit.
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If you leave your mother in the refrigerator long enough, she will look
like any other food.
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The battle against repetition is a lonely one is a lonely one is a lonely
one.
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I may be from Mars, but my girlfriend is definitely from planet
Bitch.
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I was little pissed off at first, but in retrospect I think it was
probably a good idea of the court to take my kids away from me.
Besides, I can always make more.
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Thank God for murder, hate and greed, for without it a poor man wouldn't have a blanket while sleeping on a cold park bench.
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I'm not a genius, but I was hoping I'd fool at least one person.
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If there's one thing I can't stand, it's those damn leprechauns.
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All
my plans don't involve this place, but I'm terrified that this is where
I'll be. Even in my dreams I can no longer escape.
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She stepped on my heart and said, "Ew!" Then she scraped
it off like dog shit.
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We've made a mess of the whole thing. Let's run away before someone
sees us here.
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His shoes gave him away. Yes, he had to be an asshole.
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Great people are modest and don't take credit for anything. I'll
take credit anywhere I can get it.
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I'm a good looking man when the lights are out as long as you don't
touch me and I don't speak.
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I'm proudly wearing my yellow badge of cowardness
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Raggedy Ann and Andy were two of the most terrifying creatures to be
conceived. Definitely not of Earth.
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I'm saving my lies for a sunny day.
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She said, "You know, you're really pathetic."
I said, "Thanks for noticing!"
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It's been morning all day long.
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Always act like somebody is watching because one day you'll be right.
Wipe your ass gracefully. Wash your hands faithfully. And
when you pick your nose use a tissue.
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My mood ring looks like a strobe light.
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Sometimes, when your dog unexpectedly licks you in the face, there's
a couple of seconds when your pain goes away and life makes sense, but
then you get to thinking again.
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The truth is wrong, so sometimes you have to lie to make it right.
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At this moment you are missing something that could change your life.
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Sorry, but you are the only one interested in what you are doing.
So do us both a favor and don't waste our time telling me about it.
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I hear that a sunrise is inspirational, but I don't know. I've
never seen a sunrise. They're always so damn early.
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How many of your boyfriends am I going to have to kill before I'm the
next in line? Jeez, it ought to be my turn by now!
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If we keep being polite to the people who have nothing important to
say, they may never shut up.
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The sane man will be accused of being crazy. The fool spouting
gibberish will be called a genius. I will just be here.
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Now that everybody has caller ID and *69 I can't even make prank phone
calls anymore. It's a serious knock on my social life.
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It's a thin line between concern for your neighbor and just being nosy.
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I don't remember the first time I had sex, but I think it was pretty
good.
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Communication is the most important thing in maintaining a happy relationship…
that is unless one person is always saying stupid shit and continually
running her damn mouth about some crap that has nothing to do with the
original topic of the conversation. Good God, woman, won’t you
ever shut up? In that case, sex is the most important thing for maintaining
a happy relationship. In fact, let’s just forget about what I
said about communication. It’s really not that important.
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