Sara fell down and broke her leg
But she was all pumped up on some stuff
And ran around in circles.
When she calmed down I had sex with her.
Man, that was a great party.
Jane sat with her back against the wall
She had a puddle of puke in her lap
Some of it was even her own.
I took off her pants
And hosed her down
Then I had sex with her.
Man, that was a great party.
Bill said he could be William Tell
So he loaded up his shotgun
Put an apple on his girlfriend’s head
Then her head was gone.
Good thing we were in Mexico.
I don’t think anybody had sex with her,
But man, it was still a great party.
Like many people, I don't enjoy going to the doctor, but after years of putting it off, I finally decided it was time. You see, I've been suffering with a strange affliction that I've been embarrassed to talk about, but in the interest of helping others who may suffer from the same affliction, I am sharing. For years I have had an embarrassing liquid discharge that comes right from my penis, of all places. According to my doctor, the scientific name is "urination" but the laymen call it "peeing" or sometimes "pissing." My doctor assured me that it is perfectly natural and many people suffer from the exact same problem. He even confided in me that he often suffers from urination. According to my doctor, there are people out there who do urination pretty much every single day.
Since my visit to the doctor, I've learned so much. It turns out there is a whole secret society of people who do urination. In fact, many public buildings have secret little rooms where people in the know can go do urination. They can be identified by strange symbol next to the entrance, which I don't want to describe exactly, because I don't want just anybody going in the secret room, but if you suffer from urination your doctor will show you exactly what the symbol looks like. Or, if you want, email me directly and I will email you a picture of the symbol.
Inside the little rooms there are urination collection devices. Who knows what these places are doing with all this penis discharge. Maybe they make food out of it, I don't know.
There is certain etiquette one must follow in the urination room. For instance, it's considered rude to share the urination collection device, so if they are all occupied, you have to stand there and wait. Also, there isn't a lot of talking going on in the urination collection rooms, so I usually just smile and wink at people, because we're all in the know.
I hope coming out like this helps other people. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Stand up and yell to the world, "I am a urinator and I am proud!" I guess the main thing is, don't hesitate to go to the doctor when it comes to your health. A lot of times it's nothing, but better safe than sorry. In fact, I'm going to the doctor again next week. I don't even want to tell you what anus is discharging, but I'll give you a hint -- it really stinks.
It's difficult for me to decide what I love the most about this plaque.
Is it the sappy, politically incorrect, uncentered text?
Is it the man's freakishly long left leg?
Perhaps it is the way the illustrator isn't quite sure where elbows belong on a human being.
Maybe what I love most is that the man's left arm seems to grow right out of the side of his head.
Is it me or does the man look just a bit suspicious? Maybe a little creepy? Like if this were your child you might tell the disfigured man with the weird smile and long sideburns to back off and quit stooping over your crippled child.
The plaque is not hand-painted, meaning it was probably mass produced. I dream of the conversations that took place between the team of people responsible for this and how they gave each other encouragement to create this monstrosity. I imagine how it probably hung on a wall for years with people taking little notice. One day, a man walked into the building believing there was no magic left in the world. He saw this plaque. He read the words as a tear welled up in his eye, then said to himself in a whisper, "That's so beautiful." The day I found this in a thrift store, that man was me.
According to a statement by Sgt. J.K. Schmidt of the Jacksonville sheriff's office, "Troy Lukkarila put up a good fight, but in the end he was simply overpowered by the cats."
"While I eat my turkey today, I just won’t be able to help thinking about those cats eating my brother’s neck. They literally ruined Thanksgiving for us!" said Troy’s brother, Paul. "I never did trust them cats, but we’ll give ‘em a good home anyways."
The staff of LukaLips Destruction Company hopes the death of their founder can serve to remind people everywhere of the danger posed by domesticated cats. "If Troy’s death helps prevent just one other another person from getting eaten by their cats, his death was worth it."