Jacksonville journalist and musician John Citroni's writes about Troy Lukkarila and Troy's CD Don’t Sit On Tables in this week's Folio Weekly.
Troy and all his subhuman employees at LukaLips Destruction Co are grateful for John's kind words. Troy is especially grateful that the article
is mostly about his music and not about the working conditions at LukaLips Destruction Co. If you can't pick up a copy, you can at least read the article
TROY LUKKARILA'S SHORT FILMS AT SUN-RAY CINEMA
June 12, 2014
May 5, 2014
Don’t miss a fun-filled night with Troy Lukkarila as he hosts the showing of his films at Sun-Ray Cinema in Jacksonville. There will be behind the scenes footage and stories. Heckling is welcomed.
TROY LUKKARILA STARTS NEW CHARITY
April 30, 2014
We accept fingers of all shapes, sizes and colors! No questions asked!
LUKALIPS DESTRUCTION CO INTRODUCES SERIES OF EDUCATIONAL TOYS
March 11, 2014
Here at LukaLips Destruction Co, we are proud to offer the first in a series of educational toys for kids. Because, you know, kids are important and stuff. They should learn shit.
ACOUSTIC THROWDOWN AT SHANTYTOWN PUB
August 6, 2013
NEW PRODUCT FROM LUKALIPS PHARMACEUTICALS
April 4, 2013
THE MOST AWESOME SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND
April 4, 2013
OUR SUPPOSITORY REPOSITORY OPEN IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS
December 8, 2012
TRAGIC THANKSGIVING AT LUKKARILA HOUSE
November 22, 2012
It was a somber Thanksgiving morning at the house of Troy Lukkarila. As family arrived for what they thought was going to an enjoyable family gathering, they were shocked to find Troy Lukkarila dead, apparently killed by his own house cats.
According to a statement by Sgt. J.K. Schmidt of the Jacksonville sheriff's office,
"Troy Lukkarila put up a good fight, but in the end he was
simply overpowered by the cats."
"While I eat my turkey today, I just won’t be able to help thinking about those cats eating my brother’s neck. They literally ruined Thanksgiving for us!" said Troy’s brother, Paul.
"I never did trust them cats, but we’ll give ‘em a good home anyways."
The staff of LukaLips Destruction Company hopes the death of
their founder can serve to remind people everywhere of the
danger posed by domesticated cats. "If Troy’s death helps
prevent just one other another person from getting eaten by
their cats, his death was worth it."
LUKALIPS DESTRUCTION CO. PUBLISHES NEW COOKBOOK
August 12, 2012
Every day in this country thousands of pounds of perfectly good hair
gets discarded, ultimately ending up in landfills. Why should this
wonderful source of protein go to waste when we have so many adults
and children going hungry? That's why I wrote this book.
LUKALIPS DESTRUCTION CO THROWS GALA TO CELEBRATE
THREE MILLION VIDEO VIEWS
August 4, 2012
Roland is seen here celebrating this historic milestone.
TROY LUKKARILA BLOWS OFF HIS HAND
July 4, 2012
Tragedy struck beloved artist Troy Lukkarila when a pyrotechnics
device he was holding exploded, completely obliterating his hand
during Independence Day celebrations. He was drinking a beer while
waiting for an ambulance while he addressed reporters. "We like to
play a game where we see who will hold the firework in their hand
the longest after the fuse is lit. Well, I won because I'm awesome,"
he told reporters. Troy remains optimistic that doctors will be able
to repair the damage. "They'll fix this shit right up. I'll be
playing guitar again in a week. You'll see."
Please keep Troy in your thoughts and prayers.
TORO COMPANY REQUESTS VIDEO REMOVAL
April 21, 2012
We received a message from Toro requesting that we remove a video -- the
one that reviews one of
Toro's mowers for safety. The message was polite, so we chose to take the high road and not make fun of them.
Also, we feel sorry for them because our channel has over a million
more video views than poor little Toro's channel. Also, we
have more subscribers. However, we will not be removing the video. Here is their message for your reading pleasure.
YouTube video of Toro 2 Cycle GTS Mower
We, at The Toro Company, are committed to
producing high-quality and safe mowers. Therefore, we were
deeply concerned to see your video
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBrSkdtpPIw) that puts the
safety of a young child at serious risk -- and the message it
sends to others.
Due to our strong concerns over the content of this video, we
request that you please remove it from YouTube immediately.
The Toro Company
TROY LUKKARILA STARTS A SUPPORT GROUP
November 23, 2011
TROY LUKKARILA DISCOVERS BIO STATION ALPHA ON KIM KARDASHIAN'S ASS
June 11, 2011
Few people know Troy Lukkarila is an amateur asstronomer.
Lately, he has been reviewing data sent back from the NASA ass surveyor, which has managed to map nearly the entire surface of Kim Kardashian's ass.
This data is available to the public and can be seen on Google Ass.
Troy found this anomaly which demands explanation:
Is there life on Kim Kardashin's ass?
TROY LUKKARILA RAPTURED AWAY
May 21, 2011
Troy Lukkarila's clothes were discovered on the sidewalk outside of his home in Jacksonville, Florida.
Authorities have not been able to locate Troy, however, we're not sure they're actually trying to locate him.
At this point we can only assume that Troy was raptured away by the holy spirit and he is enjoying his time in the
kingdom of heaven
where God can finally bask in Troy's glory.
We perhaps were a little premature in our assertion that Troy Lukkarila was raptured away to heaven. He was discovered the next day dazed and confused, naked in a ditch, several miles from his home.
He was unable to recollect exactly how he got there.
Troy later made the following statement: "Look, I may not have been raptured, but this was still God's work.
I mean, if being transported several miles away from your house isn't proof of God, I don't know what is... or aliens. It could have been aliens.
Anyway, whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me being really drunk."
LUKALIPS DESTRUCTION COMPANY RELEASES NEW PRODUCT:
TANNING BED FOR BABIES
May 5, 2011
Your baby wants to look good. And you want your baby to look good,
don't you? But you're busy and you don't have time to take your baby
out to the beach. So you think you're stuck with an ugly, pasty
baby. Well guess what! The answer to your problems is here! Lukalips
Destruction Co. is presenting these beautiful handcrafted tanning cribs. Now your baby can finally have that healthy glow he/she always wanted!
"WWGD?" BUMPER STICKERS AVAILABLE AT CAFEPRESS
June 18, 2011
We here at LukaLips Destruction Co love the big G. While we await his triumphant return, you can show your faith in the king of all monsters by ordering one of these bumper stickers.
Spread the word! Get one
March 7, 1943 - February 14, 2011
LUKALIPS DESTRUCTION CO. CREATES A NEW CHARITY FOR KIDS
There was much celebrating in the labs of Lukalips Destruction Co.,
this weekend. Chants of "We did it! We did it!" were heard emanating
from the offices. They are celebrating a breakthrough in
human/animal gene splicing. Scientists in the Lukalips' genetics lab
have successfully combined the genes of company leader Troy
Lukkarila with the genes of several other animals to create a brand
new species. Said one scientist, "It has always been my dream to
create an abomination of nature.
"We still have much to learn," explained scientist Dr. Linda
Snardgrass, "We don't even know what to feed it, except we have
found it to have an affinity for beer. So, we just kind of keep it
liquored up." When asked what animals comprise this new species, Dr.
Snardgrass replied "Hell, I don't know. We threw all kinds of shit
in there. We kind of lost track."
TROY LUKKARILA FEATURED IN NATIONAL MAGAZINE
March 29, 2010
Click to enlarge (new window)
LUKALIPS DESTRUCTION CO THROWS GALA TO CELEBRATE ONE MILLION VIDEO VIEWS
March 29, 2010
Roland is seen here celebrating this historic milestone.
TROY LUKKARILA TAKES BRAVE STAND AGAINST CLAMP TRAPS "I HAD TO GNAW MY OWN F**KING LEG OFF!"
November 5, 2009
An unhappy Troy Lukkarila displays his wound.
Editorial by Troy Lukkarila:
OK, I get it! Stealing copper from air conditioners is wrong!
But did I deserve this? Wasn't the punishment just a bit excessive?
I spent three hours eating off my own leg to escape this ridiculous bear trap!
That's three hours I'll never get back! And I had to do all without anything to drink and without a side dish.
I mean, sure my leg tasted good and all, but it was too much of a good thing.
Now if I had a little salad and some wine to offset the flavor, the whole experience wouldn't have been so bad.
Anyway, that was one of my favorite legs and I'm going to miss it. Bear traps suck!