Evolution made a creature just smart enough to think itself into misery. Or was that God's work?

Until the bitter end, there will always be some jerk trying to make a buck out of the whole thing.

All those things I once liked are now tainted because you like them too.

Sara told me we are surrounded by angels. That angels, in reality, are us. I couldn't help thinking that there sure are a shitload of ugly ass angels.

I can't seem to find people with problems like myself. And if I did I sure as hell wouldn't want to hang out with them. Losers.

Speak softly and carry a Slinky.

Your doggy knows something you don't know:
The vacuum is going to get you and the mailman is evil.

Many times I can't think of anything to write, but I do anyway.

Just to let you girls know- I have the only normal looking penis in existence.

I'm a simple man- easy to make happy. All I need is a good couch to rest upon. Oh yeah, and a stick of butter.

I sprayed myself with Lysol after I had you. It burned, but I believe it was worth it.

You say tomato, I say quit correcting me all the time you fucking bitch.

I'm wanted by the law, but at least I'm wanted.

I have two modes: I am either scratching my balls or wishing I could be scratching my balls.

Accept people for what they are, dick nose.

You have to look into hundreds of windows before you get to see a naked woman and most of the time she turns out to be ugly anyway.

I'm just sickened by the things that turn me on.

Some days you have to make an ass of yourself just to break the monotony.

Give me liberty or give me TV so I won't give a shit.

If you leave your mother in the refrigerator long enough, she will look like any other food.

The battle against repetition is a lonely one is a lonely one is a lonely one.

I may be from Mars, but my girlfriend is definitely from planet Bitch.

I was little pissed off at first, but in retrospect I think it was probably a good idea of the court to take my kids away from me. Besides, I can always make more.

Thank God for murder, hate and greed, for without it a poor man wouldn't have a blanket while sleeping on a cold park bench.

I'm not a genius, but I was hoping I'd fool at least one person.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's those damn leprechauns.

Anything interesting can be ruined by dullards.

How come nobody has figured out how awesome I am?

I stole a wad of cash from the orphanage. I figure I've given them so many orphans that they owe me.

Your DNA is only a small fraction of the genetic material in your body. I blame all the bad things I do on the foreign DNA. I call them the "illegals."

Do my Sims believe in the existence of me?

I found my nipple in the strangest place.

You can make a good living out of being useless.

My alarm clock goes off at the worst times -- usually when I'm asleep.

Future Troy is going to be pissed when he sees this mess I left him. Good thing I know a good place to hide!

I hope this third circumcision takes.

All my plans don't involve this place, but I'm terrified that this is where I'll be. Even in my dreams I can no longer escape.

She stepped on my heart and said, "Ew!" Then she scraped it off like dog shit.

We've made a mess of the whole thing. Let's run away before someone sees us here.

His shoes gave him away. Yes, he had to be an asshole.

Great people are modest and don't take credit for anything. I'll take credit anywhere I can get it.

I'm a good looking man when the lights are out as long as you don't touch me and I don't speak.

I'm proudly wearing my yellow badge of cowardness.

Raggedy Ann and Andy were two of the most terrifying creatures to be conceived. Definitely not of Earth.

I'm saving my lies for a sunny day.

She said, "You know, you're really pathetic."
I said, "Thanks for noticing!"

It's been morning all day long.

Always act like somebody is watching because one day you'll be right. Wipe your ass gracefully. Wash your hands faithfully. And when you pick your nose use a tissue.

My mood ring looks like a strobe light.

Sometimes, when your dog unexpectedly licks you in the face, there's a couple of seconds when your pain goes away and life makes sense, but then you get to thinking again.

The truth is wrong, so sometimes you have to lie to make it right.

At this moment you are missing something that could change your life.

Just suffered through my 4th failed circumcision. I guess I should just accept that I'm going to have foreskin.

Sorry, but you are the only one interested in what you are doing. So do us both a favor and don't waste our time telling me about it.

I hear that a sunrise is inspirational, but I don't know. I've never seen a sunrise. They're always so damn early.

How many of your boyfriends am I going to have to kill before I'm the next in line? Jeez, it ought to be my turn by now.

If we keep being polite to the people who have nothing important to say, they may never shut up.

The sane man will be accused of being crazy. The fool spouting gibberish will be called a genius. I will just be here.

Now that everybody has caller ID and *69 I can't even make prank phone calls anymore. It's a serious knock on my social life.

It's a thin line between concern for your neighbor and just being nosy.

I don't remember the first time I had sex, but I think it was pretty good.

Communication is the most important thing in maintaining a happy relationship… that is unless one person is always saying stupid shit and continually running her damn mouth about some crap that has nothing to do with the original topic of the conversation. Good God, woman, won't you ever shut up? In that case, sex is the most important thing for maintaining a happy relationship. In fact, let's just forget about what I said about communication. It's really not that important.

I'm riding on the wishes of beggars.

Sometimes you find cheese in strange places.

If you weren't so stupid then I wouldn't talk so much trash about you behind your back. So it seems it's really more your fault than mine.

She was a streetwalker in Venice. She drowned.

I'm waiting patiently for my woman to get out of A.A. so we can get a drink.

We were frolicking in the water and I held her head under a little too long. Oops.

I wanted to make them laugh but instead I made them sick.

Life's awkward moments #43:
Smiling at the little checkout girl as she's ringing up your condoms.

She must be the cleanest girl in the world or else she has some bowel problem because every time I call her, her roommate says she's in the bathroom.

I'd tell you the irony of it all, but I never really understood irony.

I wrote something down because it seemed kind of important at the time. Now it seems kind of stupid.

Life can be explained by a dirty joke.

You can't get to the soap when you're standing on the soapbox.

A bat was loose in the house. We chased it over furniture, swatting and knocking down lamps. When we finally killed it with a good swap we noticed it was just a fairy.

When I was a kid I had a crush on the little girl next door. I'd like to find her now to see if my tastes have changed. My guess is they have, because I tend to not like children.

By the time it occurred to me that tuna fish don't have fingers, it was too late… I'd eaten the whole can of StarKist.

When I looked in the toilet and saw undigested corn I didn't think it unusual until I realized it was still on the cob.

I've been on this planet many years, but I just figured out today I can lick my own armpit.

Nobody appreciates the amount of work it takes to be a good creeper.

I lost an entire Q-tip in my ear.

I wish Hollywood would remake The Breakfast Club using monkeys for the actors. I'd watch that.

How come nobody ever let me in on this whole masturbation thing until now? This is awesome! What will they come up with next? I won't give away the ending in case you haven't tried it.

Baby, you know I can't afford a night at the Ritz, but with this jug of wine we can make magic in the back of my Corolla.

I'm so tired of being judged for my giant penis.

I hear those escape rooms are getting really popular. I'm thinking maybe I should host one because I've got a room in my house nobody has been successful escaping. Truthfully, it's more of a hole than a room, but it can hold a lot of people if you stack them.

I know we're all busy, but occasionally you should take a break and ask yourself, "Why am I the only one naked here?"

My wife hates when I sleep with other women, but she sure does love the stuff I steal from them!

I did my best to give my boy a name the other kids wouldn't make fun of, but alas, I failed. I'm so sorry, Flukhed.

Then there was the time I went spelunking with my girlfriend. We were deep in the cave when she broke her leg. I knew there was no way I could carry my girlfriend out, so I promised her I would get help and come back for her. She told me she loved me and we kissed. It was just like that movie "The English Patient," but instead of being detained by the British, I was detained by a McDonald's. Also, I wasn't really planning on coming back.

The guy in the cube next to mine was surprised to find a gloryhole in his cube wall, but he was even more surprised by my penis in it. I'm like, dude, don't you know what a gloryhole is for?

I thought we were on the same page. We weren't even in the same book.

The older I get, the better Mrs. Claus looks. And I know exactly when her husband is out of the house.

No matter how much moisturizer I put on my hand, it's still dry. Hopefully it will be better after the doctor reattaches it.

People think I'm a monster because I run over every manatee I see with my boat, but I'm out for revenge ever since one of those wretched creatures ate my boy.

The strangest thing about aging is I have watched my belly button gradually move up my stomach throughout the years. It's now sitting above my right nipple. I'm so self-conscious about it that I almost put a shirt on when I go to Home Depot

I'm not racist, and I know it's going down a dark path, but I can't help feeling a mutant registry is a good thing. Have you seen what these mutants are capable of? Also vampires.

So many cool mutant powers I could have been blessed with, but all I got was a 3rd nipple.

Yeah... a few kids got hit because I was distracting the crossing guard. But on the plus side, I GOT HER PHONE NUMBER!

Sometimes after I stick a rusty wire deep into my urethra, I ask myself: Did I really need to do that?

I can tell you it's not a myth that people swallow spiders while they are sleeping. I know this because it's a hobby of mine to break into houses at night and put spiders in people's mouths.

Woke to find the words "Find him and kill him" tattooed on my chest. I don't remember why I got that tattoo. Probably not important.

Is it unusual for a dental hygienist to vomit after she peers into your mouth? She always blames it on food poisoning. I'm like, lady, you need to start eating someplace else!

If you haven't noticed, I'm on a roll today. What I mean is I'm literally sitting on a roll and its made my pants buttery. So much butter...

The bullying in public school has gotten so bad that we decided to home bully our kid.

Anybody know how I got this tooth in my forehead?

I can't imagine anything more horrible than witnessing your child being devoured by rats. That's why I am giving a FULL refund to the family at my Airbnb. Guess it's time to find an exterminator.

Don't quote me on this.